Community Corner
Are You Smarter Than Your Stove?
Marblehead Patch columnist Brenda Kelley Kim talks turkey, technology and taking on the holiday season one appliance at a time.
"Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity." - Unknown
I’m not entirely sure what the definition of artificial intelligence is. I know it's related to computers that can think and make conclusions based on whatever data is input into the program. But beyond that, I really don’t understand it.
I do, however, think that my new appliances might have some of that technology built into them. Recently, the microwave, oven and dishwasher in my kitchen simply stopped working. Off to the big box stores to pick out new ones before we starved to death or were forced to live on sandwiches and hand wash our plates.
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The new appliances are in and we are back in the 21st century. They each have something called “sensor technology" - whatever that is. Honestly, I didn’t pay that much attention to the whole sales pitch and product specs. I just wanted the microwave and oven to cook things and the dishwasher to wash dishes. I’m easy to please that way.
The microwave actually has a popcorn button and a potato button, both of which have little pictures on them of popcorn and potatoes in case I thought they were for steaming a sea bass. There’s even a button with a little cup on it. I’m going to guess that’s for making a cup of coffee or tea, but I should probably consult the manual on that.
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So I toss in a bag of microwave popcorn and push the button. It beeps and across the keypad, like some news ticker in Times Square, it reads “Sensing…Sensing” Really? I pushed the popcorn button, what else did it need to know? Then it said “Large bag..3.5 oz” I expected the next line to say “are you going to eat that entire thing by yourself Fatty McButter Pants?”
The next night I decide to have baked potatoes. In they go, and I push the button. More sensing. Clearly my microwave has trust issues. Then it reads “four medium potatoes” Now I’m officially scared. How does it know that? What else can it see? I was much happier when my appliances were stupid and couldn’t read or count.
I think my dishwasher is also “smart.” I loaded it up and it too began to beep, sensing whatever was on my plates and cups. It then settled on the cycle best suited to get the dishes clean. It just started up with the Heavy Soil cycle, all by itself. Again, I’m being judged, I guess I should have pre-rinsed better.
Not for nothing, it’s Thanksgiving and I don’t need any attitude from the machines - I have family for that. Being the gourmet cook that I am, I will be putting steam bags of vegetables in the microwave and a frozen pie in the oven. There’s a button for steam and a button for pie. If I push the wrong one, is there a list being kept somewhere? Will it contact the mother ship and have me neutralized?
The pressure is on and I need to make sure I can cook this beastly Birdzilla without setting off an alarm. I wanted a smaller bird, but apparently anything under 15 pounds is considered too small and sentenced to life on the Island of Misfit Fowl.
There’s a “flavor lock” button on the oven and I’m hoping it doesn’t actually lock the oven. What if I set it and want to open the door for something? What happens then, will I be pleading with it to open the pod door while a disembodied voice says, “I’m sorry Brenda, I can’t do that.”
Thanksgiving didn’t use to be like this. The turkey was shoved into the oven, slathered in butter and everyone sat around drinking and laughing for hours until it was the right color. The veggies were frozen bricks that got dumped into saucepans to simmer into something edible. Popcorn was made on the stove by shaking a foil pan with a wire handle and watching it expand.
My stove has glass on top now. I can’t make Jiffy Pop, or the ceramic heating element will be damaged and I’m sure some indicator light will beep accusingly at me as if to say, “You failed.”
Who knows what will come out of my kitchen of the future. I’m not going to worry about it too much though. The kitchens of my past are much more fun. I have almost no memories of the food we had growing up, but other things are in my mind like it was yesterday.
I remember being told to distract my brother while my mother put the onions he didn’t know about in the stuffing. My father yelling at the TV at the end of the Macy’s parade when Santa’s sleigh came down Fifth Avenue “I know you’re real Santa, don’t listen to these kids, I believe in you.”
I hope my children will remember things like the high school kids racing through town with horns blowing before the football game. Or how hard they laughed at me when I refused to stick my hand up the turkey’s rear end to pull out the giblets.
That is what I am thankful for this year. The memories I have and hope to give them. And I just realized there is no pause button anywhere in my space age Jane Jetson kitchen so I will have to slow down and make sure I catch it all. Dinner will be served when I say it’s time, just ignore that beeping noise.